


Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [8]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, M/M, POV Outsider, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Social Media, Twitter, transcript fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: @iwannabealoser2Sorry mom, I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m daydreaming about snowboarding down the vein on @ekaspbrak’s forearm and landing directly into his open mouth.Richie Tozier, beloved comedian and besotted fiancé, spends his last day as an unmarried man reading thirst tweets for Buzzfeed. Eddie is a secret evil genius. None of these tweets are from Paul Rudd, except for the one that just might be.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 93
Kudos: 1331





	Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, tw for some explicit sexual imagery in the thirst tweets, I guess...

**_[Video upload title: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak, uploaded February 18th 2020]_ **

**1.8M views**

**Tall drink of water Richie Tozier agreed to come to our offices and read some of your thirstiest, most parched tweets. Little does he know that we arranged a little something special with Eddie himself...**

_[Richie is sitting behind a table in a room with branding for the upcoming horror film THAT (The House of Abominable Terror), including a poster with a giant photo of Richie’s scared face smeared with blood along the back of the wall. Richie doesn’t appear particularly perturbed by it, although it is faintly horrifying. On the table in front of him is a bucket. There are two empty chairs either side of him, but he doesn’t appear to have noticed.]_

Hi! I’m Richie Tozier in the streets, Richie Kaspbrak in the sheets, and I’m here to read some Thirst Tweets, apparently. I’m honestly just expecting loads of back-handed compliments about my dad bod and my fivehead, and maybe some tweets about that photo that Bev took of me in a bikini that went viral and which some asshole at Buzzfeed insisted on captioning ‘Richie Tozier is a Showzier, not a Growzier’. Yes, I’m calling you out for that caption. God, I wish I were drunk. Oh, and also, for what it’s worth, I will absolutely be stealing the funniest lines from these and using them to woo my fiancé. Let’s do this terrible thing. 

_[He reaches into the bucket in front of him, pulls out a piece of paper, unfolds it, and brings it close up to his face, squinting to read it]_

> **_@egrahama_ **
> 
> I want @ekaspbrak to crush me in the furrow between his eyebrows.

Oh my God, am I reading thirst tweets about Eddie? What the fuck? Did you give me the wrong cards or something? 

_[A voice offscreen just says, “surprise.”]_

Huh. I was really looking forward to hearing my adoring fans wax rhapsodic about the way my hairline is shaped like a staple remover. Never mind. I’ll just have to get my actual fiancé to say nice things about me instead. He’ll do it, if I throw in a new set of scouring pads and some Dettol. 

These are also great, although I’m mostly just mad that there’s absolutely not gonna be any tweets from Eddie in this, because he’s never, ever thirsty for me on Twitter. He’s only ever hungry for blood. 

Uh, anyway, that tweet about his eyebrows - yes, big mood. Sometimes I make him mad just so that he frowns, and then I poke him right in the crease and say, “boop.” It’s his least favourite thing in the world, so I try to only do it four times a day. It’s a tough habit to break, though. Appreciate your support.

_[He crumples up the paper and throws it over his shoulder, then retrieves another one from the bucket]_

> **_@toziergirl_ **
> 
> Every night I dream of [redacted] @ekaspbrak in his sexy mouth scar with my [redacted] [redacted] until he [redacted]

I feel like this person has really misunderstood the nature of scar tissue, but, uh, that’s fine, I guess. For what it’s worth, Eddie would absolutely have you in a chokehold before you could make good on that little life goal of yours. I also really like how the two ‘redacted’s in a row suggests that one of them is a noun and one of them is an adjective. What was it? Don’t be such a coward! If you’re gonna be a disgusting pervert on Twitter for all the world to see, at least commit to the bit. 

Let me see if I can suss this shit out. ‘Every night I dream of… poking Spaghuardo in his sexy mouth scar with a chopstick until he calls the cops and I go to Twitter jail, and possibly also to actual jail, where I clearly belong.’ Am I close? I bet I’m close. And so were they when they were typing that tweet, I can tell. 

_[He screws the paper up into a tiny ball and aims it as a projectile at someone behind the camera, then retrieves another one from the bucket]_

> **_@ghostontherun_ **
> 
> Does anyone else think that @ekaspbrak is way too hot for Richie Tozier or is that just me… like toze is hot and all but kaspbrak is a whole damn house fire, prove me wrong

_[He breaks down laughing]_ I promise you it’s not just you. I have the same thought at least six times before breakfast, but in my defence, that’s because he wears very short shorts to bed. Sometimes I deliberately don’t put my glasses on until lunchtime, just so that I get some damn respite from the reminder that human men can actually look like that, and yet I don’t. And also from my erection.

_[He discards the paper and pulls out another one]_

> **_@imakedumbjokessorry_ **
> 
> searching google images for photos for my @ekaspbrak collage and like damn boy could slam my hand in the door and I’d just say thank you

This one is actually kinda wholesome. A+. It’s also very funny that you should say that, because my dear little Spagheds did once accidentally close my fingers in the bathroom door, and I practically had to stop him calling the cops on himself and handing himself in. It was my own fault, anyway. There’s no way he was expecting me to go for a shower before 11am.

_[He throws the paper at someone behind the camera again, and retrieves another one]_

> **_@iwannabealoser2_ **
> 
> Sorry mom, I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m daydreaming about snowboarding down the vein on @ekaspbrak’s forearm and landing directly into his open mouth

I… what? How small would you need to be to do that? Are you Antman? Are you Paul Rudd? Paul Rudd, stay away from my man! This isn’t a feud I want to start, but I will if you don’t back off. Disgusting. Inappropriate. Very non-family friendly content from a man starring in such a popular franchise. Cancel Paul Rudd, everyone.

_[He pauses, then folds the paper up neatly and puts it in his shirt pocket]_

I did forewarn you that I’d be stealing the best ones and using them as chat-up lines. This one’s a stone cold winner. My wedding night’s gonna be _glorious_ with this baby helping me out.

_[He leans forward and picks out the final piece of paper]_

> **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> We’re getting married tomorrow! Can’t wait to be the only Tozier with a mental age above 12 :-) (or just to be a Tozier, honestly) @richietozier

Oh, no. That one’s not fair. You can’t - you can’t put any tweets from him in here, because then I’m gonna cry, and people are gonna take screenshots of my disgusting crying face and make memes of it, and then I’m gonna be just, like, browsing Twitter, and I’m gonna see someone tweet something like ‘my local grocery store ran out of soy milk’ and then they’ll put a photo of my horrible face underneath it, and it’ll go viral. I don’t need that in my life. _[He’s noticeably sniffling at this point; someone from offscreen hands him a tissue]_ Yeah, you’d better feel bad about it. God. I’m getting married tomorrow! To him! My dream boy! I literally had a dream that we got married when I was, like, 11, and now it's happening! Can you believe this is how I’m spending my last day as an unmarried man? God! All that nasty shit in those tweets - I could be _doing_ that. I could be - fucking - I could be poking him in the mouth scar with a chopstick, or snowboarding down his forearm directly into his open mouth, like Paul Rudd! Romantic shit! But no, I’m sat here, reading other people’s sexual fantasies about my fiancé like a total dingus. _[He blows his nose into the tissue, still evidently crying]_ I’m such an idiot. Can’t believe he’s marrying me, honestly. He has no taste, and I’m so lucky. 

_[He puts the wadded up tissue into his jean pocket]_

Is that it? We’re done? Fucking fantastic. I need to blot my face for two hours before Eddie mistakes me for a mutated germ and annihilates me. 

_[He stands up and someone hands him a whole box of tissues; he pulls out a wad of about ten and blows his nose into them.]_

This is the content that my fans want. This is like porn to them. It’s gonna be the subject of so many thirst tweets, just you wait and see. 

**CUT TO-**

_[We open onto a slightly different set, without any of the THAT branding on it. Eddie Kaspbrak is sat at a table, on which rests a bucket. Next to Eddie is a wastepaper basket. He looks reticent to be there. In fact, no, he doesn’t. Reticent is not a strong enough word. He looks downright mortified.]_

I have no idea why I agreed to do this. Or - no, I do, and it’s because you promised me that you’d have a really humiliating surprise for Rich if I did it, and when you said that I was very, very enthusiastic about taking part, but now I’m here, and you’re all here and there’s six billion cameras around me, and - 

_[Someone off-screen says, “it’s OK, you don’t have to, we can cut the segment.”]_

No, no, I wanna do it. I will. I just might not say anything that makes sense. Oh God. This is the second worst thing I’ve ever done, after fighting my childhood fears in a murder sewer and getting stabbed twice in the same day and then dying for twenty minutes. 

_[He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, exhales, and opens them again]_

OK, here we go. I’m going in. _[He pauses]_ I really hope that bucket is sanitised between uses, by the way. Even celebrity fingers have germs. Probably worse ones, because of all the cocaine. Rich told me about that. He didn’t name any names, but I could piece some of them together from the context clues, and it’s really surprising how many celebrities do cocaine. You’d never think it.

_[He leans forward and pulls a piece of paper from the bucket, unfolds it, but doesn’t look at it]_

God, I hope Rich doesn’t expect me to tweet any of this kind of stuff to him. I don’t think I’m gonna like any of it.

_[He reads the paper aloud]_

> **_@sarahis2liberal5u_ **
> 
> @richietozier has bde (big dick energy) and also the bde (the best damn eddie)

_[He seems relieved, and looks up at the camera]_ That’s not too bad! I thought these were all gonna be really graphic. I watched the one of these you did with the Star Wars people and I had to lie down for a few minutes and then take a shower. Not a cold one. But that tweet, that one isn’t that awful. Oh, and no comment on the big dick energy thing, because last time I tweeted about how he’s actually just a big dickwad, I got banned from Twitter for a week. And also that’s private.

_[He folds the paper carefully into a square, drops it into the wastepaper basket, and retrieves another one from the bucket]_

> **@ _papertownsburndown_**
> 
> dreaming of @richietozier splitting me in two like a cantaloupe 

_[He sits contemplatively for a second or two]_ You know, I _am_ disturbed by how graphic that one is, but mostly it just reminds me of the time Richie spent a solid 4 hours reading about fruit on Wikipedia, because that’s the kind of thing he finds fun these days - it’s hilarious that there are people who think he’s some kind of party guy, because his idea of a party is just to sit around completely naked and read about natural disasters on conspiracy forums - anyway, he found out that the cantaloupe is part of the muskmelon family, whatever that means, and then for the next week and a half he kept trying to write a joke about Elon Musk fucking a melon. I’m pretty sure he’s abandoned it now. I hope he has, because I’d like for him to continue to get paid a lot of money to do his job. I had to find his joke notebook and tear all the relevant pages out. Luckily he’s very easy to distract. _[He pauses]_

That sounds like I’m making an implication, but I’m really not. I once managed to distract him by wearing a red sweater. Although maybe that _is_ the implication. He’s a strange man.

_[He folds it, drops it into the wastepaper basket and pulls out another one]_

> **@ _whoknowshowthetoze_**
> 
> The fact that I don’t get to sit on a chaise longue with @richietozier and lick all his arm hair in the wrong direction and yet @ekaspbrak does is somehow a hate crime to me, a humungous lesbian

I… _[he shakes his head]_ why do people think I would _do_ that? Do they even have any idea how unsanitary that would be? The human arm is exposed to so many germs in the average day, it’s not even funny, oh my God. Not to mention all the particles of dead skin from your sleeves, and the lint from the dryer if you use one, which is basically just clusters of old skin and dirt and actual poop, and the fact that your skin cell turnover is significantly faster on your arms than a lot of other places on your body - your arms are a cesspool. You might as well just go into a hair salon and ask a stylist if you can lick some of their used hair extensions, or go up to some guy with excessive dandruff and lick his scalp. Oh my God, this one is awful. I love him, but no. I don’t want Richie to see this, because if he tries to lick my arm hair the wrong way, I _am_ gonna suplex him. No. No. This one isn’t thirsty. This one is just nasty, so much nastier than the cantaloupe one.

_[He wrinkles his nose, folds the paper up, and drops it into the wastepaper basket. He leans forward and takes another one]_

> **@ _its2020momgod_**
> 
> @richietozier has broad shoulders like a coathanger and I wanna hang my asshole off them

_[Smirking]_ I’m not sure that would be medically possible and I think you’d have a very bad time trying. This one sounds a lot like something Richie would have written in a Valentine’s card to my mom, which I would have had to intercept before she opened it. He did that when we were 10, and he hid the card in a stack of her mail, and luckily I found it before she did, because it just had a super anatomical diagram of a testicle in it that he’d cut out from a Biology textbook and a ton of glitter. His Valentine’s cards are much more romantic these days. The one he gave me last year had an Olive Garden coupon in it. We ate so many breadsticks that we definitely could have died. We wished we had the next morning.

_[He folds the paper and drops it into the wastepaper basket, then retrieves another one]_

> **@ _bothbothisgood_**
> 
> Biphobia is when you look at a photo of @bevmartian and @richietozier at a press event and you drown in your own bodily fluids

I think biphobia is more when you’re too scared to come out for twenty years and end up trapped in a loveless relationship for fear of taking the necessary steps to be happy, but we all have different reference points, I guess. And I think I know the photo that this person is talking about, and it’s the one where they’re both wearing green, and Bev looks like… uh, well, Bev, so she looks pretty much perfect, and Rich actually combed his hair that morning and wore the shoes I picked out for him, and he looked really good. _[He beams]_ I hope he wears them tomorrow. That would be cool. I won’t hold my breath, though. He’ll probably wear a tuxedo t-shirt. _[Horror dawns on his face]_ Oh God, what if he wears a tuxedo t-shirt? I’ll have to cancel the wedding, and the caterers - _[he makes a contemplative face]_ no, I’d marry him anyway. For the caterers, obviously. It's so hard to find a good canape in Los Angeles, you have no idea.

OK, is that it? That’s it? Good. Great. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I could have done without the arm hair one, but yeah, people aren’t as disgusting as I thought they’d be. Although maybe Rich’s fans just know there’s no point in trying to outdo him, I don’t know. Uh, if we're done, does that mean that it’s time for… you know?

**CUT TO-**

_[We're back on Richie, who’s sitting at the same desk he was at earlier, huge wad of tissues still in his hand, tissue box on the desk. He’s not crying any more, and is instead laughing at a joke he’s apparently just made to someone behind the camera._

_After a few seconds, Eddie enters the frame, and Richie’s face lights up even more.]_

**Richie:** Babe! What are you doing here?

 **Eddie:** _[taking the seat next to Richie]_ You’ll see in the edit. Hey, have you been crying?

 **Richie:** What? No! I’ve never cried in my life. I don’t even know what crying is. What are tears? I don’t know them. Hey, babe, can I ask you something?

 **Eddie:** If I say no, will you ask anyway?

 **Richie:** Definitely, because it’s a slam dunk. 

**Eddie:** Go on, then. 

**Richie:** What do you think about me potentially snowboarding down your forearm vein and landing directly into your open mouth?

 **Eddie:** What the fuck are you talking about?

 **Richie:** It’s romantic, babe. I’m doing romance on you. Is it working?

 **Eddie:** If your goal is to die alone, then sure, it’s working fine. 

**Richie:** No, babe, it’s a nice thing that people say when they’re in love. I don’t think you understand. 

**Eddie:** Let me guess, it was one of the thirst tweets.

 **Richie:** Yeah, I think it was from Paul Rudd.

 **Eddie:** _[eyes him suspiciously]_ I don’t think it was from Paul Rudd.

 **Richie:** I’m gonna tweet him right now, find out - 

_[He’s interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat just out of frame. Richie and Eddie both look up, and Ben walks into frame and sits down on the empty seat the other side of Richie._

_Richie can only blink in astonishment._

_Eddie, however, does not seem so surprised.]_

**Richie:** Benjamin Franklin? What are you doing here?

 **Ben:** _[ignoring Richie]_ Hi Buzzfeed, I’m Ben Hanscom, and I’m here to read thirst tweets. 

_[Someone from behind the camera passes him an envelope.]_

**Richie:** _[under his breath]_ What the fuck? What the fuck?

 **Eddie:** Oh look, it has your name on it.

_[Ben turns the envelope over to open it, and we can see that it has ‘Richie Tozier: Thirsty Boy’ written on it._

_The blood visibly drains from Richie’s face.]_

**Richie:** No! Ben! Reading this out is actually a hate crime. Don’t do this, man. Think of your career. You’re gonna get so cancelled for hate criming me on Buzzfeed, and then you won’t be able to buy fine jewels for Bev, and she’ll kill you. Do you wanna die like that, Ben? Don’t do this, bud. Save yourself. 

_[Eddie is laughing so hard that he’s biting his fist to muffle the sound, tears streaming down his face. Ben waits patiently for Richie’s tirade to be over, and then clears his throat and holds up the piece of paper to begin reading]_

**Richie:** Oh, no.

_[Ben reads from the paper]_

> **@ _richietozier_**
> 
> @benhandsome Hey Ben, can you send me a shirtless photo where all 64 of your abs are visible and also maybe kinda oiled up? It’s for a science experiment. The science experiment is that Eds is in a bad mood but I’m kinda horny. Thx
> 
> **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> @benhandsome Nm the science experiment just collected all its data ;) ;) ;)

_[Eddie is laughing so hard that he isn’t even making any sound any more, his face smushed into Richie’s shoulder. Richie pats his head offhandedly.]_

**Richie:** I didn’t tweet that. Eds stole my phone. This must be so embarrassing for him. Sucks to be you, Eds.

 **Ben:** Nice try, but Eddie would never abbreviate ‘thanks’ with the letter x. 

**Eddie:** _[voice strained with repressed laughter]_ I really, really wouldn’t. 

**Richie:** Shit. Uh, I was sick, I had a terrible fever - 

**Eddie:** Yeah, Hanscomitis.

_[Richie laughs at the terrible joke, but still looks as though death might be a sweet release right now]_

**Ben:** Were you ill when you wrote this one? _[He takes out another piece of paper from the envelope]_

 **Richie:** _[whispering]_ Please no. 

> **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> You: there is no God
> 
> Me, an intellectual: @benhandsome in a suit
> 
> Me, a gay man: Ben in a suit but also that suit is wet and clinging to his bulging muscles and we’re on an island

**Ben:** That one really paints a picture, I think. 

**Richie:** A picture of betrayal! I can’t believe you’re doing this to me on this, the day of my wedding. 

**Eddie:** Our wedding is tomorrow. 

**Richie:** The point stands! Did I miss the pre-wedding hate crime becoming a trendy cultural thing?

 **Eddie:** We’re setting a trend. The pre-wedding roast.

 **Ben:** If I may continue?

 **Richie:** _[putting his head in his hands; Eddie puts a hand around his shoulders in mock comfort]_ Just lay me out to die, Ben. Scatter earth over me. I’m not coming back from this.

> **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> Hey @ekaspbrak come get me, I looked at that shirtless photo of Ben in the living room and my glasses are so steamed up that I can’t see where I’m going

**Richie:** Objection! Your Honour, I didn’t even use Ben’s Twitter name, I tagged - _[his face dawns with realisation, and something like wonder. He looks at Eddie, open-mouthed]_ Spaghedward. I only tagged you. Is the unthinkable true? You were in on this? You Punk’d me the day before my own wedding? A pre-matrimonial Ashton Kutcher-ing?

 **Eddie:** _[looking inordinately proud of himself]_ It’s _our_ own wedding, fuckbag. And consider it revenge for [trying to have an affair the week before our wedding on Billy on the Street](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258924).

 **Richie:** Spaghuardo! Did they _[he gestures to the camera team]_ have to talk you into this?

 **Eddie:** _[scoffing]_ Like I need to be talked into embarrassing you, dude.

 **Ben:** _[he clears his throat]_ For what it’s worth, I had no idea that you guys still had that picture up. I feel kind of weird about it. 

**Eddie:** Oh, bite us, Ben. It’s a nice photo of the whole gang. It’s not our fault that you decided to just rip your fucking shirt off like some reality TV star trying to carve out an Instagram career. What were we meant to do, censor your abs? The rest of us are wearing shirts in that photo, Ben, and I feel like it says more about you that you tore off your shirt and tossed it over your shoulder like some weird romance novel cover hero than it says about us for having the photo up.

_[Richie has just been staring at Eddie with something akin to wonder]_

**Richie:** Is there any way we could just get married now? 

**Eddie:** If you think I’m marrying you on camera on a Buzzfeed soundstage, you’ve lost your mind, Rich.

 **Richie:** Damn, that’s true. I do really, really want to marry you right now, though. This is the worst thing you’ve ever done and I love it, and I love you for doing it.

_[Eddie grins at him and starts laughing again]_

**Richie:** What are you laughing at?

 **Eddie:** You’re just such a dingus.

 **Richie:** Yeah, but I’m your dingus.

 **Eddie:** I know. Lucky me.

 **Richie:** I’m super impressed that you managed to set this up and keep it secret, by the way. That’s the third hottest thing you’ve done today. 

**Eddie:** Let’s not get into the other two things when we’re still being filmed by eight hundred cameras, though. 

**Richie:** Oh, for sure. I fully intend on bumping it down into sixth place by this evening, anyway. _[He waggles his eyebrows suggestively]_

 **Eddie:** _[putting his hand over Richie’s mouth]_ Oh, no. We’re not doing that right now. Beep fucking beep.

 **Richie:** _[from around Eddie’s hand]_ But you know what we _are_ doing?

 **Eddie:** Making idiots of ourselves on Buzzfeed?

 **Richie:** Getting married tomorrow! 

**Eddie:** _[smiling softly]_ Yeah. We are. Can’t wait.

 **Richie:** You know what else we should do?

 **Eddie:** Go home?

 **Richie:** No, silly! Partake in that other esteemed pre-marital tradition that I think the kids call smooching. You wanna smooch me, Eds? Lay a wet one on your hubby to be?

 **Eddie:** Absolutely not, and if you ever call it smooching again, I’m gonna have to divorce you, Rich. I can’t go through another divorce. I’m not Liz Taylor. 

**Richie:** Liz Taylor wishes she had your doe-eyes, babe. 

**Eddie:** Liz Taylor’s dead, so I don’t think she wishes for much of anything, honestly. 

**Ben:** I’m also here, by the way.

 **Richie:** _[ignoring Ben completely]_ Liz Taylor’s dead? That’s the worst news I’ve heard in literally days, babe, I think you might have to smooch me to make me feel better. I’ve had a super hard day. My hot fiancé was mean to me for hours. 

**Ben:** Oh God, this is foreplay for you two, isn’t it?

 **Eddie:** _[ignoring Ben again]_ That sounds like a very tough time for you. 

**Richie:** It was! And now he’s being mean to me _again_ and he won’t smooch me, even though we’re getting married tomorrow, and I think we should practice so that our first smooch as husbands goes well.

 **Eddie:** That’s the argument you’re going with?

 **Richie:** Be nice to me, babe, I’m very emotional.

_[They do, for want of a better word, smooch. Quite thoroughly.  
_

_Ben looks at them, then rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and looks at the floor.]_

**Ben:** I think I just unwittingly took part in a threesome. I feel like I need to call my wife and apologise.

 **Richie:** Oh look, my glasses have steamed up.

* * *

_Comments liked by Richie Tozier:_

**Helenabonhamsharter:** I know we’re all going to meme Richie’s crying face but let’s not sleep on the incredible meme potential of Ben’s ‘I am also here’ third wheel expression

 **Bevmarshno1fan:** LMAO Ben’s face the MOMENT he realised he’d been roped into their foreplay is a mood

 **TozierhozieRichie:** like this comment if you too want richard tozier to wear your butthole like a cape

 **Crazycatqueen:** why wud u mention the photo of ben hanscom (sp?) w/o his shirt and then not post it… a hate crime

 **Grahamnortonisbae:** tbh imagine if they’d tried to read richie’s thirst tweets about eddie bc the video would have been 500 years long and too rude to upload

 **Eddiekaspbrakclapsback:** kjbhslkhj my tweet is the one about snowboarding down Eddie’s forearm but in my defence EDDIE’S FOREARMS

* * *

> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> Here you go, you horny fucks #benhasninetyabs _[embedded image is a photo of the Losers at Bev and Ben’s cabin near a lake. They’re all incredibly damp and laughing, and Ben alone is shirtless. Richie has attached a second photo which is just a close up image of Ben’s abs in the photo]_
> 
> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevmartian**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Are you whoring out my husband for retweets, Tozier?
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian_
> 
> Only until I have one of my own to whore out!! After tomorrow, the only abs I post on this account will belong to Spagheds
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @bevmartian_
> 
> I am being ABSolutely series here, Marsh
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @bevmartian_
> 
> I happen to take matrimony very seriously and will in fact only be tweeting about Spaghuardo from this day onward. No more memes and no more of those boring tour dates!! Only very wholesome posts about my HUSBAND and his muscle definition
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @bevmartian_
> 
> Even if @benhandsome does have glistening pectorals that I want to snowboard off and land directly into his open mouth
> 
> **Eddie ‘Last Day As A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **@ekaspbrak**
> 
> Just noticed that #benhasninetyabs is trending and I don’t even need to look at @richietozier’s account to know why. 
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Please don’t look until after we’re legally married, babe
> 
> **Eddie ‘Last Day As A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **@ _ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> So after tomorrow, then :-)
> 
> **Richie ‘Tomorrow Eddie Will Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> I am so lucky and so excited and absolutely not crying because I, personally, have never cried
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **@ _etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> For fuck’s sake, Richie _[embedded image is just a screenshot of Richie’s most recent tweet about Ben]_
> 
> **Richie ‘Eddie Is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> Love you, husband!! _[embedded image is the photo of Ben from before, the shirtless one at the lake, but Richie has Photoshopped Eddie’s face onto Ben’s body]_
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **@ _etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Fixed it for you :-) _[embedded image is the same image of Ben’s body and Eddie’s head, but Eddie has very badly Photoshopped Richie snowboarding down Ben’s pecs. The face of tiny Photoshopped Richie is Richie’s crying face from the Thirst Tweets video]_

**Author's Note:**

> I watched old thirst tweets videos for inspiration for these tweets and it was a very ungodly experience, 10/10 would recommend.


End file.
